Flash
by Yulliah
Summary: Sometimes you just can't stop screwing up! Time after time you try to be better, but it never really changes, or does it? But you keep trying, right?


The first time I saw him I didn't think much of him. Another beautiful guy in a long line of gorgeous people that I photographed on a daily basis. Models, actors––I didn't really care anymore. They didn't impress me like they had in the beginning. Mostly they were arrogant pricks that thought they could do my job better than me and I no longer had the patience to bare with it.

He was hesitant in undressing in front of me and I just shook my head. Fucking models, always thinking that I would want to pound their ass just because I was gay. Some of them trying to get ahead in the business, some of them scared shitless. Whatever way their minds went, they were dead wrong. There was nothing interesting about a pretty face that was aware of its beauty. Pride and vanity took all the innocence out of them and left them a mere shell of glossy prints and advertised products.

I was tired of it; done with the fakeness of this industry. I wanted back to the time before my success. Back when I made _real_ art, photographing _real_ people. Back to when I lifted my camera and caught real emotions on film.

While I gave the boy his privacy, I sighed, adjusting some lights and changing one of my lenses. He was taking a long time, a very long time, and I was vastly losing my patience. Breathing slowly in and out through my nose, knowing I was close to snapping, I turned to my stereo.

As soon as the first thumpa of the timpani sounded through my studio, immediately followed by strings and voices, I heard a surprised gasp behind me. I turned the volume up just a bit and turned toward the blond 'pretty boy'.

"If my music offends you, you'll just have to try and ignore it," I snapped, realizing he hadn't even taken off his shoes. "And hurry up, please. I don't have time to wait for your highness to get ready."

My last comment had an angry flush covering his cheeks and I rolled my eyes in anticipation. God, these models were such drama queens.

"Well, excuuuuse me, Mr. Hotshot-photographer," he started. "It might have been nice to get a hello before I strip down and let you photograph my bare ass."

"Oh well, I wasn't aware your ridiculous fee included pleasantries," I retorted, once again wondering why I booked a model for this shoot anyway. I'd been so fed up with advertising shoots that I took a couple of months off to do what _I_wanted to do for a while. Though I should've known that I was never truly free from crap like this, even if I didn't have a contractor breathing down my neck.

He shut up and got rid of the rest of his clothes, hiding his junk with his hands as he made his way to the spotlights.

I had to admit his body was beautiful. But then again, every single one of those models had beautiful bodies. It was just aesthetics, not true beauty. The light shone over his lean muscles, playing hide and seek with the shadows cast by his strong arms.

_Just skin__,_ I told myself. There was nothing more there than workouts, diet and beauty products. Pretty shells that held nothing but air.

"Turn," I said harshly. I could see that same hint of anger flash through his eyes, but he did as he was told and turned around.

I was amazed where I would've been baffled, had my assistant Bella not shown me the pictures of his ink. On his lower back there was a black and blue hawk. Aggressive, with claws outstretched, ready to attack or defend. Its tail flaring in colors of brown, yellow and various shades of red, curling over the boy's hip and ass, where they turned to fire. He flexed, and the colors on his skin seemed to dance, the flames lapping at his strong thighs. Only there did five feathers in deep black fall from the tail of that magnificent bird, to stop just above the back of his right knee.

I hesitated before I picked up my camera, as it seemed to almost intrude on the delicate design. I was faintly aware of the possibility that even I wouldn't be able to catch the true form on film. The tattoo seemed almost alive. I had to try.

The music picking up in the background told me it hadn't even been five minutes since I turned it on. The last moments of 'Oh Fortuna' edged up the beating of my heart as I snapped picture after picture. Thirty seconds later, my studio became deadly quiet but for the sound of my camera and my labored breathing.

I jumped as the first high pitched sounds of 'Veris Leta Facies' pealed through the bare room, and so did the boy. I growled because I almost dropped my camera, and he looked tentatively over his right shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I knew it was coming, but I guess I got lost in the silence," he said, and I was surprised.

"You knew it was coming?" I asked mockingly. Sure, as if he would ever listen to anything I would ever call music.

"Of course," he said. "I love the Carmina Burana. It's…No, never mind."

He turned his head back and tensed his shoulders. I decided to let it go, not wanting to know any more about these guys than absolutely necessary.

"Can you turn slightly to your right?" I asked, and watched the muscles in his ass flex with the movement.

Fuck! I don't know if it was the beautiful ink or the attractiveness of his body itself, but I could feel myself harden inside my jeans. Not a distraction I could use right now.

"Hang on," I said with a groan. "I need to change the lighting a bit."

There was truly no need, the lighting was fine, but I needed to not look at him for a few moments while I tried to will my growing erection away. I could feel his eyes on me as I moved about the studio and changed the direction of the huge lamps but a fraction. That didn't help at all, and made me more annoyed than I already was.

I picked up my camera again and snapped the shots I needed as fast as possible. Only when it couldn't be avoided did I snap some directions at the blond boy who responded without question. When I finally thought I had what I needed, I turned back to my stereo and lowered volume.

"That's all, you can get dressed," I said more harshly than was proper, but I couldn't care less. I needed him out of my studio, sooner rather than later, more annoyed at myself than at him for tempting me. I was probably just sexually frustration causing me to get a fucking erection from just looking at his tanned body.

I didn't look back at him as he redressed, pathetically disappointed and relieved at the same time. When I did look back at him, he was just standing there, seemingly unsure of what to do.

"You can go," I said, not really meeting his eyes. "My assistant will make sure you get paid whatever she promised you."

With that, I picked up my camera and put it securely back into its case and let out a heavy breath when I heard the door slam behind him. Thank fuck that was over.

.

It was three days later he surprised me in my office when I got in late in the afternoon. I had indulged in one bottle of vodka too many the night before, trying to drown out the pathetic state my life was in, and looked and felt like crap. I opened my mouth to call out to Bella, hoping she'd save me with an Advil and a cup of strong coffee, when I heard voices.

"_Oh__,__ haha,"_ a familiar voice said. _"God, Bella! I know you mean well, but the guy is the biggest asshole on the planet!"_

"_I can't believe he treated you like that," _Bella answered. _"He usually only treats models like shit, and gets away with it because he's good. Really, Jasper, I'd have never asked this of you if I'd have known."_

"_What's he got against models?"_ Jasper asked, and Bella laughed.

"_Have you ever MET a model?" _she responded. _"I'm not saying all of them are bad, but the ones that come through here? Honey, I can't even begin to explain how demanding, uninteresting and ugly they really are."_

"_That might explain it then," _Jasper said.

"_What are you talking about?" _Bella asked, disbelief in her voice.

"_Well," _Jasper said and hesitated. _"From the few words he did say, I got the feeling he thought I was a model."_

Bella laughed for what seemed like a minute. _"You?"_ she choked. _"Jasper Hale Whitlock, upcoming successful baritone of the classical world, a MODEL?"_

I slapped my forehead and let out a sigh. Fuck! Not only did I treat someone unfairly, but that someone was both Bella's cousin and a guy I truly respected and admired. Of course, I'd never seen him up close, as I preferred listening to opera from a balcony and never bothered to bring binoculars. It was the music I was after, not the black-clad people on stage.

"_I know I didn't tell him who you were, but I thought __he'd __at least recognize you," _she continued. _"I mean, he's seen you in the operahouse so many times."_

"_I'm usually wearing clothes when I'm singing though," _Jasper said with a deep chuckle.

"_I suppose you do," _she responded and laughed again. _"But truly, Jasper. I'm sorry he was that rude to you."_

"_It was more like the entire experience was humiliating, you know?" _he said with a flick of hurt in his voice that made me cringe. _"He didn't even say hello or anything. He just went off about ridiculous fees I would be charging."_

The tone of his voice changed when he continued speaking. _"What does a model ask for stripping down to their bare skin?"_

"_Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that," _Bella said. _"I know you were doing this as a favor to me, but with the way he treated you, you deserve to be paid."_

"_No," _he responded harshly.

"_Why not?" _Bella asked incredulously.

"_Exactly because of the way he treated me," _Jasper answered. _"You don't know what it felt like, Bella. I felt cheap and low__;__ getting paid would only make me feel like a dirty whore."_

I squeezed my eyes shut and involuntarily took a step back. I fucked this up and Bella would make me pay royally. Though that wasn't really what mattered to me. I felt like the righteous bastard I realized I was. Fuck those models and their non-existent morals, fuck this fucking industry of grotesque make believe, and fuck me most of all! I'd let myself become a cold-hearted, uncaring abomination, and this time I'd gone too far. This time I hurt someone and I swore I would make it right.

"_I don't even get how he could mistake me for a model," _he said. _"It's not like I'm that pretty or anything."_

"_Oh, get over yourself," _Bella said. _"You're gorgeous!"_

And with that I had to vehemently agree.

"_Sure," _he said. _"Whatever."_

Neither of them spoke, and I contemplated making a hasty retreat out the door to hide from the fury my assistant would deservedly unleash on me. However, luck was against me as I heard movement inside her office.

"_Well, I'll see you at my mum's on Saturday, right?" _Jasper asked, while I could see his shadow approach the door through the tinted glass.

"_Yeah," _Bella answered as the door opened. "I'll be alone though. It's Jacob's weekend with Seth."

I was frozen in place when he came around the door and our eyes met. His filled with anger, while mine showed my obvious remorse. He narrowed his eyes at me while I desperately tried to swallow, my throat as dry as a desert.

"Ja-," I tried, but he brushed past me and opened the front door without a word. "Wait!"

I heard a muttered "Fuck off!" before the door slammed behind him. When I tried to go after him, a tiny hand closed around my wrist. The anger in her eyes was more than I expected when I turned to face Bella.

"Let him go," she said, practically radiating fire.

"But I need to apologize," I said.

"Write him a fucking card!" she spat, and pulled me into her office for a thrashing that lasted well into the evening. Bella's words could cut like a whip, but this time I truly deserved it.

.

The third time we met was- well, awkward. Not that the previous two times hadn't been awkward, but this one was even more so. At least it was for me.

I'd bought tickets to a charity dinner at the National Museum, held to raise money for less fortunate children with a creative talent. I was actually part of the foundation that provided scholarships to the children in question to go to various arts and music programs in the university of their choice.

It had been about eleven months since that horrific photoshoot. I hadn't heard back from Jasper, after I sent him multiple apologetic cards and gifts. I only stopped because Bella grabbed my ear in a vice and demanded I let it go.

I'd finished my project and managed to get an exposition of the photographs, with Jasper and his exquisite hawk as the centerpiece. He'd been invited to the grand opening, but unsurprisingly hadn't shown.

I couldn't say that I was a different man, for I'd not been myself when we met, but I learned my lesson well. Or so I thought. I'd said goodbye to the world of high fashion and turned my attention to what I loved best: Real people with real stories behind the images I captured.

Aside from that, I'd also started teaching. Yeah, me, Mr. Hotshot-photographer, a teacher.

I thought I had it all figured out. Being a pleasant social person, instead of a despicable monster. Righting the wrongs in my life and doing what I loved, I thought myself a better man. Of course, not all the changes in my life were for the best; I see that now.

The long and unwavering string of men I lost myself to was a clear sign I was still lacking. I believed myself to be in love with every single one of them, which was utter bullshit. I was lonely and ached for a fleck of passion to warm my frozen heart. I wasn't half the man I thought I was.

Dragging along Jim, or James, or whatever the fuck my fling of the month was called, I made my way to the museum, planning to have a night of sociable fun. I charmed my way through the crowd, blatantly flirting with a couple of sexy waiters who kept the alcohol flowing.

My date of the night hadn't really been amused, but after a week of screaming and fighting with him, I really didn't care whether he stayed or left. I was already on the lookout for someone else to fill my endless days of oblivion. Thinking back, I'm sure underneath the feeling of self importance, I was loathing myself. I know I did later on.

I managed to ditch my date by going to the restroom, where I let my eyes fall on a particularly nice piece of ass. I was already intoxicated, going for right-out drunk, when I leaned in close to him as he washed his hands. I didn't even realize saying what I said to him would've earned me a right hook if he were a straight or uninterested man.

"So," I said, licking my lips while I gave him a hungry once-over. "I think you should come home with me and make me see stars."

He leaned into me and cocked an eyebrow before he ran his finger teasingly down my lapel. "Well, I don't know," he answered in a throaty whisper. "Maybe you should show me if there's anything I can't get from my date before I decide."

I traced my hands down his stomach and shamelessly palmed his crotch. "I think that could be arranged," I said with a cocky grin, ready to go down to my knees and suck him off in this _very _public restroom, when the door opened.

"Riley, are you almost finished? I want to go h-" Jasper said as he walked in on me and the stranger.

His eyes flared with anger when he looked from the guy to me and back again.

"Mr Cullen," he breathed through his teeth before he set his eyes on the guy I'd unabashedly propositioned only moments ago. He then shook his head and walked back out, slamming the door behind him.

"I take it that was your date?" I asked the guy, not expecting a denial.

"Uhm, yeah," he said. "Awwwwwkward."

"Fuck!" I yelled, instantly sober.

.

After that, I decided to stay away from him as much as I could. I was keeping up moral high ground, saying I shouldn't subject him to any more hurt or humiliation. Truthfully, I was scared shitless thinking of ever seeing him again. Not only had I managed to make him feel worthless, I had afterwards continued to batter him with gifts and cards. Not to make him feel better, but out of my own selfish need to be forgiven. No, I had never coped well with people disliking me.

And the charity event…God, thinking with my dick had clearly made an unbearable situation worse.

It was the last time I fucked anyone. Well, technically, the night before was the last time I had actually fucked someone. Again, I did my best to tell myself that I was staying celibate in order to get back _some _of my honor. It was safe to say, seeing Jasper's face as he saw me about to go down on his boyfriend made me somewhat wilt in the face of probable sexual activities.

So, you could say that both my love and social life were next to non-existent, though work was becoming truly satisfactory. I was spending more and more time teaching and working with the charity board.

It was one of the long but rewarding board meetings that turned my life upside down again. We were halfway through discussing the upcoming changes in scholarship adjudgements, when the door opened and my jaw figuratively, and probably physically as well, hit the table. There in the doorway, completely adorable and fuckable in his own way, stood Jasper Whitlock.

"Ah, Mr Whitlock, do come in," the chairman of the board, Angela Weber, said and beckoned the man in. "We were about to take a little break."

Very fucking likely. We had a break only an hour ago, and weren't set for another one for at least an hour, but no one said a word.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Jasper said, and rushed forward to shake her hand.

"No, no," she answered, smiling widely. "Don't worry about it. We were discussing the changing application regulations Edward suggested, so sit down and we'll get some more coffee in here."

That's when he saw me, and that's when his carefree and cheerful demeanor changed dramatically. His entire body seemed to stiffen and his eyes narrowed. I could see him biting his lower lip in an effort to stay in control. He glanced around the table and so did I. The conclusion: There was only one seat left, and it was right next to me.

Angela walked to the door and looked back over her shoulder. "We'll continue in twenty minutes, okay?" she asked and most of the board members stood up to stretch their legs. Not me. I was paralyzed, dumbstruck by the sheer dislike in Jasper's eyes as he continued to stare at me. I knew he probably hated me, but seeing the evidence of his emotions hit me square in the face like a baseball bat.

As he slowly rounded the table and pulled out the chair beside me, he averted his gaze. And seriously, I wouldn't be Edward fucking Cullen if I didn't choose that exact moment to stick my foot in my mouth.

"What are you doing here?" I asked weakly. "You can't be here."

"Excuse me?" he replied, snapping his face back to look me coldly in the eyes. "For your information, I was asked to join the board as a representative of the musical arts. As for your ridiculous statement that I 'can't be here', you'll find that I have every right, and I'm not planning on leaving. I'd even have to say, Mr Cullen, that if you feel uncomfortable working with me, it should only be fair that _you _be the one to leave."

I looked down at the table, ashamed and mortified. He was right, of course, but I _was _part of the board, and had been for a very long time. "I was here first," I mumbled childishly, but luckily he hadn't heard me.

.

We tried to stay as far away from each other as possible over the coming months, and I dealt with the feelings he brought out in me. Often it was lust that made it hard to swallow around him, but mostly it was shame and remorse for my actions. I was trying to be a better man, but his insistent presence made it hard to forget the man I had been.

Slowly but steadily, my feelings for him shifted. I had always respected and adored him as a singer, a magnificent talent of the classical realm. I was starting to see him as a man; a man I could admire and want to be friends with.

Friends? Yeah right! If I was ever going to be honest with myself, this was a good a time as any. I wanted to be more than friends with him. I felt an undeniable urge to touch him, to kiss him, to spend as much time with him as I could. Yes, slowly and steadily I had fallen in love with Jasper Hale Whitlock, the man who hated me more than anyone else.

Naturally, I tried to relieve my heartache on the tiny couch in Bella's office, all but crying over a man I'd never have. Bella, who felt sorry for me despite the awful way I had treated her cousin, supported me like the friend she was. She told me it would all be okay in the end. Not that Jasper would come around, but that I'd eventually fall for someone else.

Yeah, you can say it. From cold-hearted bastard, to cruel egotistical monster, to pathetic love-sick puppy. And through it all, I hadn't done the most important thing. Grow up.

Bella sent me out on a couple of blind dates, which never aspired to anything other than boring conversation and me being unable to think: 'This is not Jasper'. So in the end, I told her to stop setting me up.

It wasn't until the board set out to organize the next charity event that things got harder. I'd volunteered to take charge of the planning,and decided together with Angela it was a two man job. What I hadn't counted on was the fact that Jasper volunteered as well. Angela cheerfully told the entire board the event would be in the very capable hands of myself and the object of my affection, before I had a chance to back away.

It led to the two of us stuck in my office for days on end, calling venues, caterers, florists and printing companies. It was eerie how calm he was. No snide remarks that made me feel more guilty than before, no disagreements on the colors of the flowers, no avoiding cooperation, no nothing. He just came in, talked to me like nothing had ever happened, and even smiled a couple of times. I started enjoying, instead of dreading, my time with him and I felt good. Happy.

Eventually, we started talking about more than music and the paper thickness of the invitations. Music was always a good topic, and the children I taught, but slowly we talked more about our private lives.

At one point he asked me to have a drink with him after a long and frustrating day. I was hesitant at first, as much as I loved to spend more time with him, I should try to keep my hopes in check. He disarmed me with a brilliant smile and a wink, and truthfully, it made my insides act like there was a tiny party going on in there.

We laughed and relaxed and I thought; 'This could easily be the best night I had in years'.

"Say, what?" Jasper asked me, raising his bottle of beer to his mouth.

"Oh, fuck," I replied, furiously blushing. "Did I say that out loud?"

Jasper chuckled. "Yes, you did. Though I didn't catch what you were actually saying."

"Just that I'm having a good time," I said while trying to count the lines on my napkin.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" Jasper asked. My head shot up and I must have looked incredulous, because his eyes widened a bit. "It doesn't? But I thought you hated me!"

"Oh, I definitely don't hate you. I made some stupid mistakes with you, but I never tried to intentionally hurt you." I said softly.

Jasper just stared at me for a while, his eyes slightly narrowed. "So, you weren't trying to make me feel worthless during the photo-shoot?"

"No, I was irritated and annoyed by the enormous ego I thought you had," I told him. "I was wrong."

"Yes, you were," Jasper said. "But that still doesn't explain going after my boyfriend in the 5 minutes he hadn't been by my side the whole night."

"You know," I said with a fake smile. "That says more about your boyfriend, than about me." Jasper's eyes turned thunderous. "I didn't know he was your boyfriend, honestly. I'd been too drunk and self-involved the entire night to even notice you were there. The first time I saw you, was when you opened the door on us. He-" I paused. "He isn't still your boyfriend, is he? I mean, not that I want to- Or that it's any of my- Damn it! He was an asshole, okay? Willing to cheat on you with a guy he met five seconds before. You deserve better."

Another chuckle. "I agree," he said. "That's why I kicked his ass out of my apartment the same night. So you really didn't know? I thought you were singling him out because I hadn't answered any of your apologies."

"Hey, you had every right to ignore them," I replied.

"So you don't hate me?" he asked.

"Nope," I said with a wink. "I actually quite like you."

Jasper grinned so hard, I was scared for a second his teeth would fall out. It brought an equally wide grin to my own face.

"Well, Edward," he said. "I actually quite like you as well."

Yeah, that made me overexert the limits of my facial muscles. I never knew your face could get sore from smiling. But that was okay, it was going well, and I finally felt like there was a possibility there might be a future in which we stood a chance.

That was until the shit hit the fan.

.

June 20th, the most horrible day of the year. The one day that meant nothing but pain to me, brought nothing but horrible memories of a life left behind. My birthday.

I had my reasons for hating the celebration of this day. Sure, the birthdays in my youth had without a doubt been happy. Even though my father left us before I was born, my mother had loved me and made sure I never wanted for anything. Things had changed, everything had changed.

I was twelve when my mother fell in love with Aro. The man was an asshole and tried to get rid of me by carefully suggesting boarding school, but my mother wouldn't hear of it. She thought we were a lovely, happy family. Aro would be nice and pleasant while she was around, but man, was he different when she wasn't.

My thirteenth birthday was held in the backyard of Aro's grand estate. There were balloons and music and a huge three layer cake. Everything had been ready for the party when I accidentally spilled my cherry soda on the plush white carpet of the living room. Of course I wasn't allowed out of the kitchen with soda, but Mrs Newton, the housekeeper, had just winked at me and opened the door.

Before I could somehow repair the damage to the carpet or ask Mrs Newton for help, Aro had walked in. He went mad and lunged, earning me a burning streak of his hand on my cheek. I cried, but that hadn't stopped him from kicking my leg, and I fell. The sound of my scream and his raving made my mother come running. She saw him reach out to kick me again and grabbed his arm.

He turned in his anger and shoved her away. That would've been it, but she stumbled and hit her head against the corner of the table.

I could still see the carpet turn as red as my cherry soda stain with her blood. The surprised look on her face before she grunted and closed her eyes. Her pale face as the medics wheeled her away to the waiting ambulance.

I spent the night in the waiting room of the hospital with Aro as the doctors worked on saving her life. In the morning, I was picked up by my grandparents, who ran their fingers through my hair and told me everything would be okay. Four days later, I was dressed in a black suit and held my Aunt's hand as we walked up the church aisle together.

I kissed her cold cheek as she lay in white satin, surrounded by lilies. The same kind of lilies as the one I dropped on top of the white wooden casket in the cemetery.

I had my reasons for hating the celebration of this day, and I was usually left in peace.

This year I'd started drinking in the early morning, hoping that maybe I could spend the day in oblivion. I was already halfway through the first bottle of scotch when the doorbell rang. A delivery of twenty-eight white roses, one for each year of my life.

As soon as the door closed behind the delivery guy, I ripped off all the flower petals and screamed. I hit the wall, kicked the chairs, and smashed half my glasses into the fireplace, before I collapsed into the couch and downed the rest of the bottle in one go.

During the second bottle the doorbell rang again; another delivery, this time a cake. I practically threw the door on the delivery guy's face and dumped the box into the trash can without bothering to read the card attached to it. I didn't care who it was. All I wanted was for this day to pass––and fast.

At some time, I passed out, and was rudely awakened by another ring at my door. Planning to kill whoever was there, I threw the door wide open, and stared into the shocked face of Jasper, who stumbled out a 'Happy Birthday' and took a step back.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I snarled, seeing the huge colorfully wrapped box in his hands. "Another fucking present?"

I lashed out and hit the parcel from his hands, watching it fall to the ground.

"I-I'm sorry if this is a bad time, I'll-" Jasper croaked, and I interrupted him.

"Every time is a bad time as far as you are concerned, Jasper!" I snapped in my anger. "Why don't you get it into your fucking head that I don't want you around! Just go away and don't come back!"

I threw the door in his face and drank another large gulp from the bottle of scotch, before I fell back down on the couch and cried.

.

I woke up with a cool hand on my forehead, and tried to get up.

"Shhh, stay down, hon. I'll get you some tylenol."

Bella.

"Jasper told me what happened and I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she said, as she held a glass of water and a couple of pills to my mouth. I gratefully swallowed and drank them down. "He didn't know, hon. He really didn't mean to make it harder for you."

"What are you talking about?" I croaked, and tried to sit up again. This time she let me.

"He wanted to do something nice for your birthday, but he didn't know about your mother. I'm sorry, Edward, I should've told him."

The memory of the day before rushed back to me and I groaned. Fuck! Yeah, I messed up again. I probably fucked up the only chance left for Jasper and I to ever get together.

"Could you- Could you just go and leave me alone for a little?" I asked, and she nodded.

"Okay, hon," she said and hugged me.

.

I didn't go into work that week and took a leave from the board. I didn't really want to resign yet, though I knew that might be inevitable in the long run. I spent my days drinking and wallowing in despair.

I didn't even talk to Bella about how I felt, but I knew she knew from the moment I got back to the studio the next week. She tried to get me to call Jasper, but seriously, I knew what that would do. The first time I was an ass I tried to make amends, even though I'd been selfish about it. He never responded. What would be so different now?

Each week I taught my classes, did the shoots I had already planned, and went home. I felt hollow, like my life didn't really have any light left in it.

It took Bella a whole of three weeks to slam her fist down on my desk and demand my attention.

"This is enough, Edward!" she yelled. "You've been sulking and drinking and I've had it. If you won't call Jasper, fine! But you're not going to waste away your life because of a stupid misunderstanding!"

I rolled my eyes and stood up. "What do you expect me to do? Go back to fucking every available guy in a ten mile radius? Treat people like dirt? Seduce other people's boyfriends? Throw a fucking door into the face of the guy I'm in love with? Tell me!" I yelled back. "Cause that's all I ever do, okay? I fuck things up! So it's best that I just stay away from people!"

"I'll tell you what to do," she answered. "You're going to go home, grab a shower, dress up and go out to dinner!"

I raised an eyebrow and huffed.

"No, Edward," she said. "You're going to do this, because you have a date tonight."

"Oh, come on, Bella," I snapped. "A date is not going to change anything! I'm not just going to fuck another guy to get over your cousin! It's not right!"

"Well, there's a change," she replied. "Since when do you care about wrong and right?"

"Fine!" I said, not really wanting to think about any changes in myself. "Where and what time?"

"Chino's at seven," she answered. "The reservation is in your name. And _be _nice!"

I'd show her. The night would be a total drag and in the morning I could just call her and tell her how wrong she'd been.

.

Sitting in a cab on my way to the restaurant, I shook my head. Really, dating another guy wouldn't change anything. If ever, the only chance I had at feeling even slightly alive, was Jasper. And the only way I would ever get him to want me was to grovel. Maybe I could show up at his place, and beg him to forgive me for saying what I said to him. Maybe-

"I'm sorry, but there's a change of plans. Could we turn around? I need flowers, loads of flowers!" I said to the driver.

"Not a problem, Sir," he answered cheerily. "I know a place."

.

Nerves raging through my body, my heart in my throat, and my arms filled with beautiful, big red roses, I rang the doorbell to his apartment. One look at my face and the woman downstairs opened the doors for me and let me into the building.

No response. Fuck!

I knocked on the door…maybe even pounded.

"Young man?" an old man said as he opened the door across the hallway. "Mr Whitlock isn't home, boy. Maybe you should come back another time."

I must have looked pathetic with the flowers in my arms and sweat dripping down my forehead. "Do you know where he is?" I asked. "Is he singing tonight?"

"Oh, no," the man said, sympathy in his eyes. "He's on a date, son. I'm sorry."

My face fell as I dropped the roses to the floor. A date. Yeah, what was I even thinking?

"It's okay," I said. "It was a long shot anyway. Don't tell him I was here, please?"

The man nodded as I walked back to the elevator.

.

I pounded on Bella's door until I saw the light come on in the hallway. She yanked the door open with a frown on her face.

"Will you quiet down?" she whisper-shouted. "Seth's asleep!"

She took in my desperate expression and opened the door wider for me to come in. "What happened at the restaurant?" she asked.

"Restaurant? Yes, no, I-" I said and took off my coat. "I didn't go there. I thought that if I- Fuck! I went to see Jasper, okay? I bought flowers and everything, ready to, I don't know, beg? But he wasn't there, he was out on a date."

"Keep it down!" she whisper-shouted again. "I know he was on a fucking date, why weren't you?"

"I just told you, I don't want some random date with some random stranger!" I shouted back, reverting to the same kind of whisper shouts Bella used as she motioned for me to be quiet.

"Oh, for the love of-" she said pointing a finger at me and jabbing my chest. "You fucking idiot! Jasper was on a date, yes. With you, you moron! And you stood him up!"

My eyes widened the moment the words registered in my brain. "What? How? What do you mean, he was on a date with me?"

"Well, you being the stubborn asshole you are, you didn't return any of his messages. You didn't want to call him. You stopped going to the board meetings! How the hell was I supposed to get you in the same room so Jasper could apologize for your birthday?" she explained exasperatedly. "He's in love with you, Edward! I don't know why, because frankly, I don't know what he could ever see in an idiot like you, but-"

She was interrupted by the doorbell and pushed past me to open the door.

"Sorry I'm so late, Bella," I heard him say. "I just- He didn't show, okay?"

"I know," she said dryly. "The fucker stood up his blind date to go after the man he's in love with."

"Oh," he said in a small voice. "Okay, I'll just- Fuck, can I come in?"

"No, you cannot come in," she said. "Wait here!"

She turned toward me and yanked me forward by my wrist, grabbing my coat from the hanger.

"Out," she said and pushed me half into Jasper's surprised arms. "Go! Do whatever you need to. Talk, yell, fight, fuck, I don't care! I'm tired of running around listening to the two of you crying over each other! I'll call you tomorrow!"

With that, she closed the door and the hallway light went out.

.

"So," I said before loudly clearing my throat. "This is erm-"

"Yeah," Jasper replied while staring intensely at the wooden grain of Bella's front porch.

"And you're not pissed about me throwing you out?" I asked. "I mean, I was having a hard day, but I shouldn't have snapped like that. I'm sorry, Jasper."

"Wait, what?" he asked, confused as his head snapped up. "I thought you were angry with me, I-" He stopped speaking when I lightly shook my head. I kept on staring at him and he dropped his gaze again, seemingly dejected about something. "No, I- I'm not pissed at you."

"So you stood me up to go after some guy you're in love with?" he asked and shuffled his feet, tensing his shoulders as if bracing for impact.

"Yes," I said softly. "Yes, I did."

When I saw the thoroughly defeated despair in his posture, all my doubts about his feelings for me disappeared.

"Want to go back there and see if any of the roses I bought you survived?" I asked.

He looked up at me in confusion and scrunched his brow, while he tried to find the meaning behind my words. His entire face cleared up when he finally understood what I was saying.

"God, yes!" he said and all but jumped into my arms. His lips crushed mine in a slightly painful way, but I could hardly care now that I finally got all I wanted. He held my head with both his hands, his fingers digging into my hair and neck, making sure I wouldn't let go. And I wasn't planning on letting go, not for a very long time, if ever.

A window opened over our heads and a soft whisper-shouting voice brought us back to reality. "I said I didn't care what you do, and I meant it! As long as you _don't _do it on my porch!"

Jasper chuckled against my lips and I raised my eyes to see Bella sitting on the windowsill in her blue fluffy bathrobe. I grabbed the back of Jasper's neck with one hand and pulled him into another searing kiss while I flipped Bella the finger with my other. There was no way she'd be raining on my parade.

She huffed and closed the window with a barely audible bang, which still managed to express her mock annoyance. She could snarl and sneer all she wanted; I knew her and I knew that right now, she was secretly smiling.

When Jasper pulled away from the kiss, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me off the porch. "Let's go," was all he said before we walked into the night.

.

I smiled when I saw the vase in front of his door with the bouquet of red roses in it. They were a little bent and ruffled, but there all the same. On the door was a note, hastily scribbled down.

_Jasper,_

_There was a young man earlier who was exactly as you described your Edward._

_He left these roses._

_I did promise to not tell you he came by, but I thought you would want to know._

_James Smithson_

_5B_

"Never trust a stranger," I sniggered and picked up the vase.

Jasper opened the door and led me inside, taking the vase and setting it on the hallway table as I passed.

"Nice place," I said while letting my eyes take in his living room. "Hey, is that a Fazioli?"

Two warm and strong arms slid around my waist from behind and lips connected with the side of my throat.

His voice was heavy and throaty as he spoke. "As much as I love to talk about my piano on any given day, I'd much rather discuss the firmness of my bed. So I'm going to be blunt here and suggest you try it out."

"Hmmm," was about all I could say in reply, and I hitched a breath when his teeth sank into the crevice between my neck and shoulder.

His hands found the buckle of my belt. He opened it with a precision like it was his own, and pulled the leather strip through the loops. The quick slide burned a little against the skin of my waist and the heat radiated straight to my groin.

Nibbling at my ear and neck, he opened the buttons of my shirt and slid it off my shoulders. I wanted to do something, touch him, or help him get rid of my clothes, but I couldn't move. Mesmerized by his voice and hands, I gave into the sensation, leaning my head back against his shoulder.

I only had to lift my head when he pulled off my sleeveless shirt, but I decided it had been worth it when his hands roamed my abs and chest, ending up rolling and tweaking my nipples. I involuntarily arched my back and pushed my chest harder against his fingers. He chuckled with his lips on my skin, but didn't say a word.

His hands traveled down, opening my fly and pushing my pants and boxers down while I hastily kicked off my shoes and socks. Completely naked, I stood in his arms, vaguely aware that he was fully clothed. Still, with his hands and mouth doing what they were doing, I couldn't care less if he was wearing full body armor. I'd never been so intensely aware of every single nerve in my body.

He took my balls in his hand and rolled them around, while holding me still with his other hand on my chest, pressing me flat against him, sucking the skin of my shoulder roughly into his mouth. The sheer contrast of the ache and the pleasure had me moaning and whimpering, unable to control the sounds coming from my mouth.

"Please," I begged, but for what I was begging, I wasn't sure.

"What do you want, Edward?" he breathed into my ear, raising the hairs on the back of my neck.

"More," I moaned. "You. M-more of you."

The hand on my balls let go and stroked up and down my cock a few times, before it took a firm grip. I bucked into it, or tried to, because the hand on my chest pressed down harder, warning me to stay still. He started to slowly pump my cock, building up speed and then slowing down again. I was going out of my mind for sure, and when he let go all together and whispered in my ear, it took me a moment to understand what he was saying.

"Fuck me, Edward," he said and walked away from me, shedding his clothes as he went.

I stood shaken for a moment, the shock of the sudden stop of all those sensations making me speechless––and possibly brainless. It took me less than a minute to gather my bearings though, and when the near full capacity of my mind came back to me, I rushed after him.

There was a feral smile on my face when I entered his bedroom. He lay in the middle of the bed, stretched out with his arms underneath his head, his eyes closed and his lips parted.

I slowly made my way around the bed, watching him.

"I respect you," I said in a soft but confident voice.

"Yes," he breathed.

"I think you're beautiful," I continued.

His breath hitched, but his eyes remained closed when he replied, "Hmmmm, so are you."

The bed dipped under my knee when I started to crawl towards him and his abs contracted. "I'm in love with you," I whispered against his hip and licked my way up halfway to his armpit.

"Oh, God," he said and arched his back, otherwise not moving.

"And yes, Jasper. I'm going to fuck you," I growled before I closed my teeth around the hair under his arm and softly pulled.

"Fuck!" he cried out and reached out with his other arm to grab the hair at the back of my neck.

"Yes, Jasper. Fuck," I whispered in his ear, and trailed a single finger from his sternum to the tip of his cock, his skin forming goose bumps where I'd touched.

I smiled when my eyes searched and found the tube of lube and a pack of condoms on the bedside table. I lay down on my side and pulled his body flush to mine, his back against my chest, his head still resting on his arm.

Gliding my hand down his side, I felt his body quiver and twitch. He was ticklish, but hell bent on enduring the sensation. I continued my path down his hip and thigh while I kissed his shoulder, sweet and light kisses, showing him what I felt for him.

Once I trailed my hand back up and pulled his free arm back around my neck, I gently sucked on the skin of his neck, enjoying the soft and wanton sounds escaping him. I took the condom and the tube of lube and popped the cap, squeezing some of the cold gel on his thigh. He shivered, and I spread the lube with my fingers, coating them in the process.

He pulled up his leg when my slippery fingers slid from his thigh, over the soft skin of his ass, giving me access to push a finger inside him. He gasped and moaned when I breached him, whispering my name softly into the room.

I teased his opening, not really sliding all the way in; just that first inch, pushing through the second ring of muscle and pulling back. He started pushing his hips back to feel more, but my finger just moved with him, not giving him more than I wanted to give.

He whimpered and pleaded unintelligibly and writhed under my touch, and I gave in. Without stop, I pushed my finger in as far as it would go, holding it there, wiggling the tip around, but not moving out. He grunted and grabbed my hair, pulling my face hard against his shoulder. I sucked and licked his skin, while slightly withdrawing my hand.

When I added a second finger, I bit down hard, bucking my own cock against the small of his back. He softly cried out, taking shallow breaths and tightly gripping on my hair.

Once a third finger slid into his tight warmth, he arched his back away from me, moving his hips back and forth without control or rhythm, pulling his leg up further and opening himself up even more.

"Edward," he said in a tight voice. "Please, now, please."

I pulled back my hand, and awkwardly rolled the condom down my length with one hand. I swiped the remaining lube from his thigh and coated my cock as I skidded down the bed to line up with him.

I entered him in a single but slow thrust, holding still to both give him time to adjust and give myself time to enjoy just being inside him. It felt incredible, warm, tight, and right. Feeling him pulse around me felt like I was home.

The arm laying awkwardly under me, gently holding his side, twitched, and I slid the arm underneath him, cradling his waist as the other moved to cross his chest. I needed him close, to hold him in my arms while I slowly pulled back and thrust back in.

We moved like that for a long while in silence, our heaving and hitching breaths the only sounds in the room. For me, it was because the sheer thought of moaning would ruin the overwhelming feeling I had, and I could only hope it was the same for him.

When my movements became faster, my thrusts deeper and stronger, I couldn't hold them back. I moaned and groaned in symphony with Jasper. I needed more, more touch, closer than we already were, and I pulled him on top of me.

His weight pressing me further into the mattress was perfect. He lay fully stretched, his back against my chest, my arms around him, his legs spread, feet resting on my thighs. And I thrust, and thrust. Harder, deeper and faster.

His hand trailed over mine, resting on his chest before he moved it to roll his nipple between his finger, his other hand pulling my hair tighter and tighter. I reached down and grabbed his cock in my still slippery hand, pulling his foreskin back and over the head. Pumping and thrusting, the pleasure building and building until he screamed out my name and convulsed on top of me. The muscles of his ass contracted around me, pulling me with him, making me come deep inside.

We lay like that, breathing heavily without saying a word. My hand was still around his spent cock, mine still inside him. I couldn't really move, but even if I could, I wouldn't want to.

After a while, Jasper let out a satisfied sigh and rolled off me. His side still touched mine, while he lay heavily on his stomach, his face buried in the pillows.

I removed the condom and tossed it to the side. Rolling with him, I lay one of my legs over one of his and breathed in the scent of his skin, my fingers lightly trailing the outline of his amazing tattoo. When I reached the black falling feathers on the back of his thigh, I looked closer. Six feathers, where there used to be five.

I traced all six of them with the tip of my finger and examined them closer. They were all dated with tiny numerals running down the sides.

09-12-2002

12-24-2005

02-16-2006

03-28-2008

10-04-2010

06-16-2012

The last date was four days before my birthday––very recent.

"September 12, 2002," he said softly. "The day I ran away from home and shed the delusion that I was worthless and unable to overcome the dire circumstances I was born into."

"Jasper," I whispered. "You don't have to. Don't think I don't want to know, because I want to learn everything about you, but you don't have to tell me until you want to."

"I want to," he said, turning his head lazily to face me.

I looked back down at the feathers and he continued. "December 24, 2005, the day I shed the delusion that just talent would bring me where I wanted to be, that I would have to work for it."

I stroked the feather as he paused. "February 16, 2006, the day I realized that fucking my way to the top wouldn't make me happy. Though it was fairly pleasurable."

I lightly slapped his ass and he chuckled while wiggling his hips. "Yeah," he said. "It wouldn't bring me the respect I was so desperately seeking, nor should it have."

Lifting his torso by leaning on his arms, he looked back over his shoulder. "March 28, 2008, the day I left my ex, because I learned there's no such thing as loving someone enough for the two of you. I'd spent enough time choosing pain over sanity," he said, lightly smiling.

"October 4, 2010, the day my mother died." He swallowed visibly before going on, unshed tears making his eyes shine. "I needed that one as a reminder that we don't have all the time in the world. There's no point in holding a grudge if you don't plan on holding it forever. When I left home, I said things I can never take back, and I don't ever want that to happen again."

I reached out and gently squeezed his shoulder. He lay back down, his gaze not leaving me, capturing me while he explained the last feather. "June 16, 2012, the day I accepted that people can change, and I kicked myself for not seeing what was right in front of me." A sad smile ran over his face. "I just wished I showed you in a different way. I'm sorry, Edward, for breaking into your privacy like that. If I'd known-"

I laid my finger against his lips to shut him up and leaned in to kiss the most recent feather on his thigh. I trailed kisses all over the tattoo, up over his ass, to the small of his back, all the while following my mouth with my hand.

"And the hawk?" I asked when I pulled back.

"Well, there's the freedom to go where you want, to not be held back by what has been. That was a huge part of the reason I had it done," he said and I nodded. It was the same kind of freedom photography had given me when I started. "Then, there's my strength to face whatever crosses my path. The power of battle, if you will. But one of the most admirable sides of the hawk, is that it's able to see the bigger whole, even while focussing on the tiniest detail. Superior intellect and keen judgement."

"Wow," I said as I rolled back to my back, my hand finding Jasper's and intertwining our fingers on my chest. "So you didn't just think it looked cool?"

He chuckled and cuddled up against me, laying his head in the crook of my shoulder. "It does kind of look amazing, doesn't it?"

"I regret not seeing you as you were the first time we met," I confessed, pulling him a little closer in my arms.

"I don't," he replied unapologetically.

"You don't?" I asked and he shook his head. "Why on earth not?"

"Because," he answered, throwing his leg over me and wrapping his arm around my waist. "Now we stand a chance. I think I could've easily fallen for you back then, and it would have been disastrous. You still had some growing up to do."

I was silent for a moment, not sure if I was supposed to be offended. I sighed, knowing he was right, even though it was hard to admit it. I kissed the top of his head and ran my hand up and down his arm.

"Yes," I whispered. "Yes, I did."


End file.
